Billing it's announcement as a service to recreational boaters, the Department of Homeland Security(DHS) today revealed that it will use special dyes on the surface of Lake Ontario to mark the official border between the US and Canada. The program, which will utilize a fleet of satellite-guided helicopters equipped with 200-foot-long delivery tubes that can be lowered to within one foot of the surface, has been funded through a new program named "Just Envision 2020" by the Bush administration, and will commence upon the opening of the charter fishing season May 1.

“Wind, waves, and current would quickly dissipate normal dyes,” said Rhea L. Ziel, official spokesperson. “Fortunately, our two-year $66 million study identified a group of long chain polymers that will allow the dye to remain substantially in place for a minimum of one hour before sinking. This 'hang time', as we call it, will permit an hourly schedule of over-flights to maintain the presence of the line.”

An example of what the line will look like from space. Helicopters will be based in Watertown and Buffalo.

The plan is seen as a response to vocal criticism of the recent DHS announcement that it intended to begin enforcing passport reporting requirements for charter fishing vessels operating out of New York State.

Ziel defended the need to strictly enforce Border policy. “If we let US citizens go out and come back in without reporting, how can we expect foreigners not to think they can do the same,” she said. “We do have monitoring satellites in place over the lake, but until we're fully deployed in 2015, it will be impossible to observe every boat all the time. For all we know, the fishing derbies they hold might be little more than cover schemes for Canadian fishermen to collude with Americans and smuggle in cheap Chinese laborers while sending tax free cigarettes to Canada. Why do you think they call those boxes on their boats “live” wells, anyway?”

Under the new rules, charter operators will be required to:

1. One hour before they leave shore, fax in passenger’s personal information – name, date of birth, and government ID # - to Customs and Border Protection office. The names will be run against an anti-terrorist watch list.
2. Make sure passengers carry either a passport or a government ID and a proof-of-citizenship document.
3. Send the passengers to a local border protection reporting station after landing, so they can call in on a videophone.

A cadre of 3,500 new Customs officers will be required when the plan is fully implemented. They will use newly purchased patrol boats and government aircraft to spot check and back up satellite feeds. Suspicious behavior would be any two boats approaching within five feet, individuals in the water (swimmers), the presence of personal watercraft, semi-submerged objects, suspicious buoys or markers, and people urinating over the side, among others.

“Our concerns are anything from terrorists and terrorist weapons to polluters, drugs and undocumented aliens,” said Ziel.

Charter captain Randy Randell, who fishes out of Oswego, NY, could only shake his head. "This proves that the only thing worse than a zealot is a zealous bureaucrat," he said. "So what if we stray over the line? There's no way they'll be able to keep track of everyone.”

"That's what he thinks," said Ziel. "We didn't spend $66 million on nothing. The new dyes have special molecules designed to be absorbed by fiberglass. Any boat that passes through the line will be dyed pink. The pink dyes also function as reflectors, which the satellites are programmed to home in on."

Customs officials will patrol dock areas, looking for pink boats. Chemicals required to remove the dye will be available exclusively at Customs offices. The introductory price will be $49.95 per ounce and will be sold only in 12 oz bottles.

Ziel did not think the price excessive. “Pink is now the official DHS color. It will be illegal to paint an entire boat pink to circumvent the dye. We mean business. As of next month, we’re putting a stop to all illegal activities out there. The data will show very quickly if we’re successful or not.”

Ziel would not reveal the number of charter fishing customers arrested over the last five years, but said the number exceeded ten, with public urination a prominent offense. When asked how the dye will affect the habitat, she said, “Environmental impact fades to insignificance when compared to the very strong and visible benefits. For the first time ever, we'll have a clearly visible border on the surface of the lake. Before, it was very difficult to establish whether a boat was in American or Canadian waters. Now, it no longer will. Just think, we will now be able to identify everyone who illegally leaves the country. We see that as a major advance toward the future security of all our citizens.”

The govenrment of Canada was quick to respond. Prime Minister Sue Yu issued a terse statement. "We fully support and endorse the actions of the US Government in its attempt to secure its borders. However, we strongly object to the red and white striped colours of the proposed line. Red and white are our national colours. Any government with the resources to establish a line in the first place should be capable of adding a third colour, blue, to make the line distinct from the line we will no doubt be establishing ourselves in near future."

If the Lake Ontario deployment is a success DHS plans to immediately expand the program to include the other three great lakes sharing borders with Canada.

Note:

This has been an April fool’s story. The dye line is a fabrication, but the new reporting information is not. Rules go into effect in May.